We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
