Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
