Your dad touched me again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize