Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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