youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
