Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Still dying that you shit outside
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
