did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Enjoy the penises
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
