You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
