there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
