2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
