you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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