i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
