Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
