At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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