Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
