I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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