why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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