I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
