I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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