Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize