shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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