I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
