never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
