You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
