I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
