We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
