The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
