i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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