Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
