dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
