I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
