The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
