he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
