explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
