do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
