Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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