No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
