My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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