i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
