I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
