**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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