you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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