Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
