I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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