Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
