You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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