I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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