"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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