People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
