How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
