Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
