You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
