well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The air taste purple.
Randomize