True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize