i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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