If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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