The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im holly from the hills drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize