Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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